The immense need to submit flows in deep rivulets through me.
Something about Rocky coming tomorrow has my reflecting on our relationship in a more intense way. I don’t remember being so paralysed with longing when he came for his previous visit. I do recall fantasising and dreaming and hoping, but there is a marked difference between then and now in the shape of total submission.
Not once, during the last two weeks, has Rocky accused me of overthinking anything. By Wednesday night I think he must have realised that a lot of the fleetingness of my emotions have suddenly disappeared, to make way for a more calm, centred submissive. We were having a discussion which previously would have made me a little uncomfortable;
Rocky has never been quiet about getting a woman to share a night with us. Basically, a quick rundown since then, I said I’d be keen but not immediately. Then he insisted, I got flak, and I ended up giving in. Then, just before our break, I was actively looking for a woman until I found I didn’t anymore and so the search stopped. During our break, however, Rocky mentioned that he found it ironic that he has a friend who was suddenly looking for details on how to arrange a threesome. At that point we just laughed and moved on.
This past Wednesday he asked what I did about my ‘woman-hunt’ and I told him that I obviously ceased all searches. But, not to worry, he has a friend who would be interested. Even though I was the one who brought the other woman into our conversation, Rocky assumed that I would get flustered again after I said “If you want us to spend the one night we get together with another woman, then who am I to stop you? It would be a shame though…”
This message wasn’t intended to be read with hidden messages or feelings. I was quite simply telling him that I would do whatever he wants but I needed him to know that the one night we get is very precious to me.
This is when I realised that, if I could manage to push through the mists of my lust, I am not acting in a way he expected. So I told him that “I am not stressing. I would do and go where you would want me to. I trust you.” And I meant it. This led me to analyse my feelings a little closer.
Maybe, just maybe, I was a bit crazy during the first part of our D/s relationship. It was all so new and shiny and maybe, just maybe, I didn’t completely appreciate what it was I was experiencing. I’m not saying I treated it as a joke, but somehow our past seems trivial compared to how I feel now. I have learned, I have changed and grown. And Rocky has been incredibly amazing about it. Something just fell in place for me when we got back together again. So, this is how I see things now;
I have no fear – Even though we have some seriously messed up circumstances and we are stupidly far from one another, I do not worry for a moment that I will have Rocky’s attention at any time. And I don’t mean when he’s busy or not. I mean, I am his, I understand it to the point where I do not wonder if I am good enough, pretty enough or funny enough for him to like me, to keep me. He chose me first. And then he chose me again.
I trust blindingly – Absolute trust. There is not a person on this planet that I trust with myself the way I trust Rocky with me. This took me a while to accept, but I find it to be the one unbreakable truth in our relationship.
After trust comes submission – A natural step from one to the other. Because I fear nothing with him and trust him to never do anything that will be unjust toward me, I want to lay myself down at his feet and give to him my world. He has been given the role of my ultimate.
Rocky has broken through a layer of something that I can not describe, whether he intended to or not. Something deep seated and impossible to displace has taken root.
The odd thing is that we are really not alike. Different in nearly every way, except maybe our sense of humour. So, I wonder at the attachment that has formed. Why do I feel that our D/s dynamic is so incredibly real? It is almost like the only thing that really matters is that we are so compatible in our D/s ways. He’s brand of Domination suits my way of submission nearly faultlessly. And my submission gives him peace and calm, an outlet without pretend. Give and take, push and pull, fuck me and love me.
Never. I have never knelt for my Dom. It has just never been possible. But I need it like I need to breathe and blink and live. My most frequent fantasy has my at his feet, silently forfeiting everything. Waiting in complete peace for my Dom to beat my heart for me. To touch me as his, owned by a man who is absolutely worthy of everything I can give to him.
Has anyone noticed the word “anticipation” in every one of my blogs since my countdown started days ago? (Except yesterday’s. I was a bit rowdy…) Sigh
What is anticipation anymore? Anticipation is dust, a word used spectacularly in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, a great expectation. But not what I truly feel anymore. Now, I am in a space where time does not dictate my emotions and needs.
Something very new has begun in me. At this very moment my life has been irrevocably changed.